That which I fear the most...

It sucks to suddenly see yourself as – or have the realization that you might become – that which you fear the most.

Mr. Maybe that I went out with Tuesday night turned out to be a dud. Not him personally. We had a great dinner and great conversation with the dinner. We talked about family and our dreams for the future and our pasts and just about everything you can think of to talk about on a first date/blind date. (Meeting people from eHarmony is like a blind date because other than what you know about them from online and talking to them, you’ve never met them.) I didn’t hear from him yesterday. I didn’t really expect to, to be honest. But, I did send him a quick little e-mail thanking him for dinner and that I would be open to seeing him again. I got an e-mail from him today saying that he didn’t think it would work out because he doesn’t like cats.

That is when it hit me. I’m becoming that which I fear the most – the old spinster woman with the cats. Okay, I realize that at 35 in the year 2006, I’m hardly a spinster and that contrary to the 1986 Newsweek article, I’m not more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to marry after 30. (Newsweek did rethink the whole thing and you can read about it here.) But still, Mr. Maybe didn’t want to date me because I own cats. I also got a match yesterday who said that he didn’t like cats and basically that “those with cats need not apply.” I suddenly had a strange glimpse into my future of coming home to the cats and an otherwise empty house, picking up my crochet, and settling in for an evening of television. Oh, wait, that is my life now.

I have friends. I go out. I am not a total hermit. You can’t tell me that I need to get out more. I do go out when I have opportunity. I don’t like the bar scene. It was fun at 21, but not so much now. When I do go to the bar or club, it is usually not to troll for men, but rather to see a specific band or meet up with people.

I belong to, and attend fairly regularly, a church in the area. I meet people through that also, but most of the “single” people are divorced and older so I don’t have much in common with them.

I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to be the old spinster lady with cats. That is why I am on eHarmony and I go out and everything else. I just don’t know what else to do. I sound whiny. I am right now because I'm a little hurt that he "broke up" with me via e-mail (chicken shit way out if you ask me). Tomorrow I will be better. In general, I have a pretty great life. I have great friends and a very patient family who love me even single. I joke about being my niece and nephews favorite aunt so they will take care of me when I'm old and infirm. I want it to be a joke, anyway. Days like today make me wonder.